Film Review: Jupiter Ascending

The Day My Mind Stood Still

Oh Wachowski siblings. Your once promising career has all but ended thanks to this latest offering to the people of this much loved Earth. Such an unwelcome gift comes in the form of Jupiter Ascending, a film that can only be described as being this decades’ Battlefield Earth, a statement that does not come lightly, whilst being a complete shame when remembering how brilliant The Matrix was when I first watched it. Now, in 2015, instead of The Matrix, we have a film with no soul, no depth, and seemingly not a care in the world, aside from one that has a massive bank note wrapped around it, with its’ lead characters being almost as soul-crushingly dull as the film itself. Rant mode activated.

I would attempt to give a brief synopsis of Jupiter Ascending, but the truth is, I really cannot be bothered. The plot is so ridiculously uninspiring and sleep-inducing that it’s making me yawn even as I think about it now, whilst simultaneously making me cringe so hard, I feel like I am looking at early photos of my dress sense in the 1990’s. So plot done with, what’s next I hear you ask! Characters. Okay. Firstly, I have a fundamental problem with Mila Kunis as a bog cleaner. It just wouldn’t happen. Also, being cursed with a name such as Jupiter Jones, surely she would have legally changed it by now? No sane human being would walk around 21st century society with a name so laughable being called Ben Dover is a step up. Unless that’s the actual underlying point of the film, that she is actually so insane that she dreams of meeting a topless, roller skating, wonky eared, Channing Tatum and flying off to badly CGI’d planets, because whoever pitched the idea of Jupiter Ascending was clearly mad and needs to be heavily sedated and sectioned ASAP.

As for Channing Tatum, his reputation as a “serious actor” has been dealt a crippling blow. Why would he, after doing so well in Foxcatcher, want to be in this turkey of a movie? Surely he must have read the script? The same goes for Sean Bean, who throughout the entirety of his scenes in the film looks as bored as I did watching him, yet acting bored in a movie is better than acting as a humanised wooden plank, a feat which Ms. Kunis passes with flying colours. And now on to Eddie Redmayne. Oh Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Your Oscar win is not as clear-cut as it might once have been. His portrayal as the villainous I-don’t-care-what-his-name-is is exceedingly laughable and can only be described as the dull second-cousin of  Gary Oldman’s, Zorg, in The Fifth Element. His constant need to quietly whisper instructions to badly designed flying reptile things was bad enough, but when juxtaposed with sudden belts of screaming, it was like watching my 13 year old brother having a hissy-fit after not being allowed on the PlayStation. Sorry Eddie, but you were utter pants.

In conclusion, Jupiter Ascending, is complete tripe. The attempts at acting are terrible. The plot is ludicrous. Okay, it might look good and fancy, but fanciness cannot save Jupiter Ascending from being one of the most boring and pain-inducing sci-fi films I think I have ever sat through. I think it’s time to watch The Matrix again.

Overall Score: 3/10


Posted on 12/02/2015, in Film & TV, Reviews and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Ah top review Daniel, however i think vaguely attempting to explain the plot will strengthen your rant as it’s incoherence perfectly illustrates the overall dissapointment of the film 😉

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