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Black Ribbon’s Worst Films of 2017

Worst Films of 2017

With the year filled to the rafters with some simply sublime cinematic releases, it comes at no surprise that where there is light, darkness swifty follows in the form of the real stinkers of the year, films which have managed to enrage, bore and reduce us to sleep induced comas due to their unavoidable awfulness. Whether it be shoddily made crime thrillers, laughable accented spy adventures or distasteful animations, 2017 has managed to succeed in giving us a varied selection of terrible movies and here is where we countdown the very worst, beginning with…

10. Fist Fight

With a characitured Ice Cube and the joint worst leading performance of the year by Charlie Day as the ear-piercing and undeniably annoying mild mannered teacher who is tasked with battling his fellow colleague in order to well, create some form of narrative, Richie Keen’s misjudged nightmare features a wide range of sickening elements ranging from a paedophilic teacher to flatlined comedic puns which results in Fist Fight up there with the worst American comedies to travel the far seas in years. Ice Cube? Get back in the freezer mate.

9. Unlocked

Featuring the worst performance of the year by a fair few air miles, Michael Apted’s Unlocked utilises the downward spiralling skills of Orlando Bloom as a laughably bad cockney cliche who chases after Noomi Rapace’s CIA interrogator as she finds herself at the centre of some boringly timid government conspiracy. With a cast featuring the usually reliable talents of John Malkovich, Michael Douglas and Toni Collette, Apted’s movie is a ludicrous mix of plot holes and laughable dialogue which comes across as the dead, lost long cousin of the masterful Bourne franchise.

8. Flatliners

The remake to end all shoddy remakes, Niels Arden Oplev’s woeful reimagining of Joel Schumacher’s 1990 science fiction horror is the definitive blueprint of how not to bring a film back to life, and whilst the inclusion of Ellen Page brought a certain element of interest to the table, Flatliners falls into a concluding second half convoluted with messy and immature character arcs, tacked on CGI and poorly managed horror tropes which just seem shoehorned in and wholly undeserved. Dead on arrival, Oplev’s movie is a laughable excuse to bring back a film which even in its’ original film struggled to properly ignite.

7. The Snowman

Let’s be honest, the mercurial presence of Michael Fassbender hasn’t had the best of years, and even though I was one of the few advocates of the somewhat decent Assassin’s Creed, Tomas Alfredson’s unbelievably shoddy live-action adaptation of Jo Nesbø’s Scandinavian chiller is undoubtedly the worst made film of the year, a picture with a catalogue of obvious and unforgivable sins which succeeds in failing to adhere to even the most basic of fundamental filmmaking principles. With Alfredson himself stating the movie was “incomplete” due to a hectic filming schedule, The Snowman highlights a concoction of disasters which when considering the talent involved, is simply atrocious to say the least.

6. Justice League

The true downfall of DC’s live action adaptation of Justice League falls primarily down to a wavering production process and a heightened sense that the wandering franchise was somewhat heading in the right direction after the critical and financial success of Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman, and even with the eye catching inclusions of Batman, The Flash and the first live action appearance of Aquaman, Zack Snyder’s ensemble adventure is absolute tosh. With two dimensional leading characters, awfully constructed CGI and a excruciatingly cliched end of the world narrative, Justice League makes Suicide Squad look a bonafide masterpiece and with the future of the DCEU in undignified jeopardy, Snyder’s move may indeed be the final nail in the coffin.

5. The Bye Bye Man

Horror is the type of genre which is designed to heighten and play with the sense of natural and fundamental animal instincts of fear of the unknown, and whilst The Bye Bye Man does somehow manage to have the cheek to place itself in such a category of cinema, Stacy Title’s truly embarrassing movie is a middle finger to the hoards of horror fans across the globe. With the titular leading villain coming off as threatening as a stereotypical enemy from an episode of Scooby-Doo and a strange ensemble cast featuring the likes of Carrie-Anne Moss and yes, Faye Dunaway, The Bye Bye Man is the type of straight to DVD garbage that deserves to rot way in the bargain bin.

4. Table 19

Let’s be honest here, why is Anna Kendrick still employed when films such as Jeffrey Blitz’s Table 19 highlight just what an awfully misjudged actress she truly is. Harsh somewhat? Negative, and when considering the cringe-laden nonsense of Blitz’s painfully bad romantic comedy, a film which is ironically neither romantic or comedic, the time has surely come to end the suffering of audiences across the globe and simply blacklist anyone involved in such a staggeringly poor cinematic experience which has only resulted in the continuation of nightmares which suggest this is indeed the way cinema may be heading. HELP!

3. CHiPs

A live action remake nobody wanted of a television show no one has ever heard of unsurprisingly results in shoddiness galore and even manages to make Bad Boys look like The Godfather. With director and leading fallen star Dax Shephard handing over all the reasons to give credence to the notion of him undeniably being the most unqualified man in Hollywood to helm such a production, CHiPs suffers from a tragically dull and cliched narrative, laddish sexist humour and jokes about the disabled which made me want to launch my coffee at the cinema screen, and even with a blink and you miss it appearance from Vincent D’Onofrio, Shephard’s movie at least identifies the American as cinematic influenza.

2. The Emoji Movie

Whilst Inside Out, Zootropolis and Song of the Sea demonstrate contemporary animation cinema at its’ very finest, the abysmal abomination which is The Emoji Movie presents the medium at its exploitative worst, utilising the child friendly nature of the genre to convey a narrative which approaches truly jaw-dropping elements of self-promotion garbage which encourages the younger generation to entirely depend on their mobile devices in order to be the coolest kid in town. With plot threads which delve into piracy and internet trolls, The Emoji Movie is one of the most retrograde misjudged releases in history made all the worse by the universal state in which it is projected. You know what they say, you can’t polish a turd.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

And here we are at last, the indisputable champion of all things woeful, Michael Bay’s staggeringly boring and unbelievably exhausting marathon of a movie sets a new standard for box office disasters, and even with the added input of a dollar ringed Sir Anthony Hopkins, The Last Knight singlehandedly creates a brand new genre of cinematic ventures; elongated torture. With a runtime which transcends the realm of human nature as we know it, sloppy, disgraceful editing and the utilisation of Laura Haddock as simply distasteful cannon fodder for the perverse prying eyes of Bay’s obsession with the objectification of the female body, The Last Knight sets the bar of the already much maligned Transformers series to new unexplored depths, resulting in the latest addition to the franchise being the categorical favourite for worst release throughout the course of 2017. Congratulations.

Next Time… Looking Forward to 2018 in Film!

Film Review: CHiPs

“Go Undercover Within The Department? That’s Awesome…!”

Burdening themselves with the prospect of attempting to distinguish themselves from simply being yet another terrible excuse of a film which classifies itself as a comedy, CHiPs, written, directed and starring Dax Shephard, is based primarily upon the American television drama series of the same name which aired on NBC between the years of 1977 and 1983, and within a week in which Power Rangers has surprisingly succeeded in whinging a modern-day adaptation too, the penultimate week of March can only be classed as the week in which two of the most pointless and utterly undesired methods of entertainment have somehow had the 21st century treatment and had the nerve to grace the big-screen. All negative preconceptions aside, CHiPs, co-starring the undeniably likeable Michael Peña, whose back catalogue includes End of Watch and Ant-Man, as well as the most recent incarnation of Wilson Fisk from Netflix’s Daredevil, Vincent D’Onofrio, CHiPs is indeed the type of movie in which you begin to wonder about the mindset of those who have played a part in creating it, with the main driving force in the form of Dax Shephard being primarily to blame in successfully creating one of the most vulgar, idiotic, mindless and utterly offensive movies in recent memory.

Featuring a supposed array of so-called jokes which offend everyone and everything from the professionalism of the police community to the LGBT community and the disabled, CHiPs is a textbook example of one man attempting to boost his egoistic capabilities by taking hold of a TV blueprint and throwing as much awfully constructed action and comedic set pieces at it as possible in order to overshadow how poor the movie actually is. Unfortunately for Shephard, the ridiculously unfunny narrative and sloppy direction only enhance the shoddiness of the overall finished picture, a picture which shares similar elements with the vile back catalogue of Adam Sandler in regards to how retrograde it comes across towards sex and the treatment of females in a “I can’t believe they actually made this” kind of fashion. Whilst the response from fans of the original show has reportedly been less than positive, I would go as far to say that everyone who goes to see CHiPs will come out smiting the air in a retrospective feeling of contempt towards a film which is just so, so awful from start to finish. AVOID.

Overall Score: 2/10