Worst Films of 2017
With the year filled to the rafters with some simply sublime cinematic releases, it comes at no surprise that where there is light, darkness swifty follows in the form of the real stinkers of the year, films which have managed to enrage, bore and reduce us to sleep induced comas due to their unavoidable awfulness. Whether it be shoddily made crime thrillers, laughable accented spy adventures or distasteful animations, 2017 has managed to succeed in giving us a varied selection of terrible movies and here is where we countdown the very worst, beginning with…
10. Fist Fight
With a characitured Ice Cube and the joint worst leading performance of the year by Charlie Day as the ear-piercing and undeniably annoying mild mannered teacher who is tasked with battling his fellow colleague in order to well, create some form of narrative, Richie Keen’s misjudged nightmare features a wide range of sickening elements ranging from a paedophilic teacher to flatlined comedic puns which results in Fist Fight up there with the worst American comedies to travel the far seas in years. Ice Cube? Get back in the freezer mate.
Featuring the worst performance of the year by a fair few air miles, Michael Apted’s Unlocked utilises the downward spiralling skills of Orlando Bloom as a laughably bad cockney cliche who chases after Noomi Rapace’s CIA interrogator as she finds herself at the centre of some boringly timid government conspiracy. With a cast featuring the usually reliable talents of John Malkovich, Michael Douglas and Toni Collette, Apted’s movie is a ludicrous mix of plot holes and laughable dialogue which comes across as the dead, lost long cousin of the masterful Bourne franchise.
The remake to end all shoddy remakes, Niels Arden Oplev’s woeful reimagining of Joel Schumacher’s 1990 science fiction horror is the definitive blueprint of how not to bring a film back to life, and whilst the inclusion of Ellen Page brought a certain element of interest to the table, Flatliners falls into a concluding second half convoluted with messy and immature character arcs, tacked on CGI and poorly managed horror tropes which just seem shoehorned in and wholly undeserved. Dead on arrival, Oplev’s movie is a laughable excuse to bring back a film which even in its’ original film struggled to properly ignite.
7. The Snowman
Let’s be honest, the mercurial presence of Michael Fassbender hasn’t had the best of years, and even though I was one of the few advocates of the somewhat decent Assassin’s Creed, Tomas Alfredson’s unbelievably shoddy live-action adaptation of Jo Nesbø’s Scandinavian chiller is undoubtedly the worst made film of the year, a picture with a catalogue of obvious and unforgivable sins which succeeds in failing to adhere to even the most basic of fundamental filmmaking principles. With Alfredson himself stating the movie was “incomplete” due to a hectic filming schedule, The Snowman highlights a concoction of disasters which when considering the talent involved, is simply atrocious to say the least.
6. Justice League
The true downfall of DC’s live action adaptation of Justice League falls primarily down to a wavering production process and a heightened sense that the wandering franchise was somewhat heading in the right direction after the critical and financial success of Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman, and even with the eye catching inclusions of Batman, The Flash and the first live action appearance of Aquaman, Zack Snyder’s ensemble adventure is absolute tosh. With two dimensional leading characters, awfully constructed CGI and a excruciatingly cliched end of the world narrative, Justice League makes Suicide Squad look a bonafide masterpiece and with the future of the DCEU in undignified jeopardy, Snyder’s move may indeed be the final nail in the coffin.
5. The Bye Bye Man
Horror is the type of genre which is designed to heighten and play with the sense of natural and fundamental animal instincts of fear of the unknown, and whilst The Bye Bye Man does somehow manage to have the cheek to place itself in such a category of cinema, Stacy Title’s truly embarrassing movie is a middle finger to the hoards of horror fans across the globe. With the titular leading villain coming off as threatening as a stereotypical enemy from an episode of Scooby-Doo and a strange ensemble cast featuring the likes of Carrie-Anne Moss and yes, Faye Dunaway, The Bye Bye Man is the type of straight to DVD garbage that deserves to rot way in the bargain bin.
4. Table 19
Let’s be honest here, why is Anna Kendrick still employed when films such as Jeffrey Blitz’s Table 19 highlight just what an awfully misjudged actress she truly is. Harsh somewhat? Negative, and when considering the cringe-laden nonsense of Blitz’s painfully bad romantic comedy, a film which is ironically neither romantic or comedic, the time has surely come to end the suffering of audiences across the globe and simply blacklist anyone involved in such a staggeringly poor cinematic experience which has only resulted in the continuation of nightmares which suggest this is indeed the way cinema may be heading. HELP!
A live action remake nobody wanted of a television show no one has ever heard of unsurprisingly results in shoddiness galore and even manages to make Bad Boys look like The Godfather. With director and leading fallen star Dax Shephard handing over all the reasons to give credence to the notion of him undeniably being the most unqualified man in Hollywood to helm such a production, CHiPs suffers from a tragically dull and cliched narrative, laddish sexist humour and jokes about the disabled which made me want to launch my coffee at the cinema screen, and even with a blink and you miss it appearance from Vincent D’Onofrio, Shephard’s movie at least identifies the American as cinematic influenza.
2. The Emoji Movie
Whilst Inside Out, Zootropolis and Song of the Sea demonstrate contemporary animation cinema at its’ very finest, the abysmal abomination which is The Emoji Movie presents the medium at its exploitative worst, utilising the child friendly nature of the genre to convey a narrative which approaches truly jaw-dropping elements of self-promotion garbage which encourages the younger generation to entirely depend on their mobile devices in order to be the coolest kid in town. With plot threads which delve into piracy and internet trolls, The Emoji Movie is one of the most retrograde misjudged releases in history made all the worse by the universal state in which it is projected. You know what they say, you can’t polish a turd.
1. Transformers: The Last Knight
And here we are at last, the indisputable champion of all things woeful, Michael Bay’s staggeringly boring and unbelievably exhausting marathon of a movie sets a new standard for box office disasters, and even with the added input of a dollar ringed Sir Anthony Hopkins, The Last Knight singlehandedly creates a brand new genre of cinematic ventures; elongated torture. With a runtime which transcends the realm of human nature as we know it, sloppy, disgraceful editing and the utilisation of Laura Haddock as simply distasteful cannon fodder for the perverse prying eyes of Bay’s obsession with the objectification of the female body, The Last Knight sets the bar of the already much maligned Transformers series to new unexplored depths, resulting in the latest addition to the franchise being the categorical favourite for worst release throughout the course of 2017. Congratulations.
Next Time… Looking Forward to 2018 in Film!
“I’m Putting Together A Team Of People With Special Abilities. I Believe Enemies Are Coming…”
Whilst it may seem that we are now in a world where every month bears witness to oh yet another superhero blockbuster, with Thor: Ragnarok still making significant moves at the box office, the release of Justice League is a particularly interesting beast. With the DC Universe already significantly tarnished to say the least thanks to the likes of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, the release of Wonder Woman earlier this year proved that the series was somewhat heading in the right direction, and whilst the DC universe seems to always be playing catchup to Marvel’s respective ongoing movie franchise, Justice League seems to be the real kicker in deciding the future success of the series as was The Avengers for Marvel, a film whose successes led the chance to delve deeper into the more subversive characters within Marvel’s respective comic history. Helmed once again by long-term DC collaborator, Zack Snyder and overseen for completion by the steady hand of Marvel aficionado, Joss Whedon, Justice League forges together characters both old and new in a popcorn laced team-up tackling the threat of Ciarán Hinds’ Steppenwolf, and whilst one would have hoped the latest addition to DCEU would follow the success of Patty Jenkins’ work on Wonder Woman, Justice League is an unfortunate giant explosive leap in the wrong direction, one which seems to not have learnt at all from the failings of its’ predecessors and that alone makes Snyder’s latest an agonisingly painful botch-job experience of the highest order.
With Superman gone and the world in mourning, Ben Affleck’s grizzy Bruce Wayne seeks to bring together a team of highly skilled superheroes in a bid to defeat the threat of the wholly uninteresting and lifeless Steppenwolf, who like every CGI-based villain in cinematic history, seeks to bring Earth under his apocalyptic control. Adding to the eclectic cast of characters therefore, Justice League brings Ezra Miller, Jason Momoa and Ray Fisher into the fold as The Flash, Aquaman and Cyborg respectively, and whilst it is cheap and easy to compare the DCEU with the MCU everytime either has a new release, Justice League fails on a fundamental level of not having even the slightest of backstory for any of its’ leading characters before mangling them all together, resulting in a complete absence of empathy or willingness for them to succeed in their battle against evil. This of course is down primarily to the heavy handed approach of Warner Bros’ willingness to spurt out the next release as quickly as possible and completely disregard the Marvel approach of taking adequate time in developing its’ leading stars before mixing them into the bigger picture with Justice League just the icing on the cake for a universe which, aside from Wonder Woman, will be tarnished with a reputation of being the laziest big budget franchise in the history of cinema. Harsh you say? Not at all, with Justice League the type of movie which makes Suicide Squad look like The Dark Knight, with obvious weaknesses presenting them all over the place ranging from a non-existent storyline to cringe-laden chemistry between the titular team of indestructible heroes who come together simply for reasons of monetary incentives.
With a villain in the form of the poorly digitally designed Steppenwolf, a character who ironically does somewhat improve on the blood curdling awfulness of Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, Justice League’s main antagonist is the epitome of the film’s issues, with heavy plot exposition acting as the character’s only limited development for a villain who too often resorts to Viking-esque growling and cliched fight scenes to come across as anything other as sleep-inducingly dull, and for a character who seems to strike fear into the heart of many of the film’s heroic protagonists, it comes at no surprise that Snyder has once again forged a wholly forgettable leading threat which at not one point manages to match the scale of even the most camp carnival esque qualities of DC’s wacky TV show, Gotham. With too many characters and not enough script for anyone to expand out of their 2D, cardboard box cutout performances, Justice League ultimately wastes its’ extensively impressive cast, with the likes of J.K. Simmons, Jeremy Irons and the outstanding qualities of Amy Adams simply being resorted to window dressing in favour of the likes of Ray Fisher and the inevitable return of Henry Cavill who are simply not good enough in their respective superhero roles. Justice League is seethingly awful, and for a movie which features the worldwide branding of Batman and Wonder Woman, Snyder’s movie is a farce of the highest order and one which laughs in the face of its’ fans by utilising beloved characters simply for reasons of box office projections, and with not enough redeemable aspects in sight, Justice League is the movie which I would think puts the DCEU finally to bed. Thank god for Patty Jenkins.
Overall Score: 2/10
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