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Black Ribbon’s Worst Films of 2017

Worst Films of 2017

With the year filled to the rafters with some simply sublime cinematic releases, it comes at no surprise that where there is light, darkness swifty follows in the form of the real stinkers of the year, films which have managed to enrage, bore and reduce us to sleep induced comas due to their unavoidable awfulness. Whether it be shoddily made crime thrillers, laughable accented spy adventures or distasteful animations, 2017 has managed to succeed in giving us a varied selection of terrible movies and here is where we countdown the very worst, beginning with…

10. Fist Fight

With a characitured Ice Cube and the joint worst leading performance of the year by Charlie Day as the ear-piercing and undeniably annoying mild mannered teacher who is tasked with battling his fellow colleague in order to well, create some form of narrative, Richie Keen’s misjudged nightmare features a wide range of sickening elements ranging from a paedophilic teacher to flatlined comedic puns which results in Fist Fight up there with the worst American comedies to travel the far seas in years. Ice Cube? Get back in the freezer mate.

9. Unlocked

Featuring the worst performance of the year by a fair few air miles, Michael Apted’s Unlocked utilises the downward spiralling skills of Orlando Bloom as a laughably bad cockney cliche who chases after Noomi Rapace’s CIA interrogator as she finds herself at the centre of some boringly timid government conspiracy. With a cast featuring the usually reliable talents of John Malkovich, Michael Douglas and Toni Collette, Apted’s movie is a ludicrous mix of plot holes and laughable dialogue which comes across as the dead, lost long cousin of the masterful Bourne franchise.

8. Flatliners

The remake to end all shoddy remakes, Niels Arden Oplev’s woeful reimagining of Joel Schumacher’s 1990 science fiction horror is the definitive blueprint of how not to bring a film back to life, and whilst the inclusion of Ellen Page brought a certain element of interest to the table, Flatliners falls into a concluding second half convoluted with messy and immature character arcs, tacked on CGI and poorly managed horror tropes which just seem shoehorned in and wholly undeserved. Dead on arrival, Oplev’s movie is a laughable excuse to bring back a film which even in its’ original film struggled to properly ignite.

7. The Snowman

Let’s be honest, the mercurial presence of Michael Fassbender hasn’t had the best of years, and even though I was one of the few advocates of the somewhat decent Assassin’s Creed, Tomas Alfredson’s unbelievably shoddy live-action adaptation of Jo Nesbø’s Scandinavian chiller is undoubtedly the worst made film of the year, a picture with a catalogue of obvious and unforgivable sins which succeeds in failing to adhere to even the most basic of fundamental filmmaking principles. With Alfredson himself stating the movie was “incomplete” due to a hectic filming schedule, The Snowman highlights a concoction of disasters which when considering the talent involved, is simply atrocious to say the least.

6. Justice League

The true downfall of DC’s live action adaptation of Justice League falls primarily down to a wavering production process and a heightened sense that the wandering franchise was somewhat heading in the right direction after the critical and financial success of Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman, and even with the eye catching inclusions of Batman, The Flash and the first live action appearance of Aquaman, Zack Snyder’s ensemble adventure is absolute tosh. With two dimensional leading characters, awfully constructed CGI and a excruciatingly cliched end of the world narrative, Justice League makes Suicide Squad look a bonafide masterpiece and with the future of the DCEU in undignified jeopardy, Snyder’s move may indeed be the final nail in the coffin.

5. The Bye Bye Man

Horror is the type of genre which is designed to heighten and play with the sense of natural and fundamental animal instincts of fear of the unknown, and whilst The Bye Bye Man does somehow manage to have the cheek to place itself in such a category of cinema, Stacy Title’s truly embarrassing movie is a middle finger to the hoards of horror fans across the globe. With the titular leading villain coming off as threatening as a stereotypical enemy from an episode of Scooby-Doo and a strange ensemble cast featuring the likes of Carrie-Anne Moss and yes, Faye Dunaway, The Bye Bye Man is the type of straight to DVD garbage that deserves to rot way in the bargain bin.

4. Table 19

Let’s be honest here, why is Anna Kendrick still employed when films such as Jeffrey Blitz’s Table 19 highlight just what an awfully misjudged actress she truly is. Harsh somewhat? Negative, and when considering the cringe-laden nonsense of Blitz’s painfully bad romantic comedy, a film which is ironically neither romantic or comedic, the time has surely come to end the suffering of audiences across the globe and simply blacklist anyone involved in such a staggeringly poor cinematic experience which has only resulted in the continuation of nightmares which suggest this is indeed the way cinema may be heading. HELP!

3. CHiPs

A live action remake nobody wanted of a television show no one has ever heard of unsurprisingly results in shoddiness galore and even manages to make Bad Boys look like The Godfather. With director and leading fallen star Dax Shephard handing over all the reasons to give credence to the notion of him undeniably being the most unqualified man in Hollywood to helm such a production, CHiPs suffers from a tragically dull and cliched narrative, laddish sexist humour and jokes about the disabled which made me want to launch my coffee at the cinema screen, and even with a blink and you miss it appearance from Vincent D’Onofrio, Shephard’s movie at least identifies the American as cinematic influenza.

2. The Emoji Movie

Whilst Inside Out, Zootropolis and Song of the Sea demonstrate contemporary animation cinema at its’ very finest, the abysmal abomination which is The Emoji Movie presents the medium at its exploitative worst, utilising the child friendly nature of the genre to convey a narrative which approaches truly jaw-dropping elements of self-promotion garbage which encourages the younger generation to entirely depend on their mobile devices in order to be the coolest kid in town. With plot threads which delve into piracy and internet trolls, The Emoji Movie is one of the most retrograde misjudged releases in history made all the worse by the universal state in which it is projected. You know what they say, you can’t polish a turd.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

And here we are at last, the indisputable champion of all things woeful, Michael Bay’s staggeringly boring and unbelievably exhausting marathon of a movie sets a new standard for box office disasters, and even with the added input of a dollar ringed Sir Anthony Hopkins, The Last Knight singlehandedly creates a brand new genre of cinematic ventures; elongated torture. With a runtime which transcends the realm of human nature as we know it, sloppy, disgraceful editing and the utilisation of Laura Haddock as simply distasteful cannon fodder for the perverse prying eyes of Bay’s obsession with the objectification of the female body, The Last Knight sets the bar of the already much maligned Transformers series to new unexplored depths, resulting in the latest addition to the franchise being the categorical favourite for worst release throughout the course of 2017. Congratulations.

Next Time… Looking Forward to 2018 in Film!


Film Review: The Emoji Movie

“My Feelings Are Huge. Maybe I’m Meant To Have More Than Just One Emotion…”

Yes, you read the title correct, The Emoji Movie is indeed a real thing. Whilst films such as Dunkirk and The Big Sick recently showcase the real wonder of what cinema can offer to a wide array of audiences, sometimes you just gotta take the dark with the light and understand that for every Apocalypse Now there is unfortunately a Gods of Egypt, and whilst it’s never healthy to enter an auditorium with preconceived notions about the overall quality of a particular movie, a film entirely based on the existence of Emoji’s does inherently and fundamentally lead you to hold your head heavily in your hands and await your fate. So, enter the foyer and grab your ticket as you grip tightly the cold, smooth surface of your overly priced fizzy pop which aids you in your journey through the passages of hell as you grace your sticky, oversized seat and watch a movie about cartoon faeces and gigantic thumbs. And breathe. One could argue that with The Emoji Movie undoubtedly being a movie aimed at the younger variety of audiences in its’ creation, the thought of a 23 year old coffee maniac sitting down and reviewing it does seem rather disjointed, yet after managing to survive one of the most painful 85 minutes of my entire cinematic life, the horror and sheer toxicity of a film such as The Emoji Movie doesn’t deserve just to be reviewed, it deserves to be stripped down from top to bottom and dissected in hope that the many, many troubling issues at the heart of it can be highlighted to as many as possible in the hope that it simply fades away from cinema entirely.

As mentioned by many already, the overall narrative of The Emoji Movie rather unfortunately bears a sickening similarity to the masterpiece of animation which is Inside Out, a film which effectively highlighted the complications of an emotion-ridden child and built a world within which was both intelligent and fluffy enough to serve both a young and elder audience. With The Emoji Movie however, the key message of the film is for young children to simply use their mobile devices as a way of living your life from beginning to end, where instead of socialising through conversation and active involvement with others, apps such as Facebook, Instagram and Just Dance should be bought and used instead in order to really succeed in life at such an early stage, and whilst such a narrative is inherently toxic and vulgar, the film is made worse by the straight-faced manner in which such a message is played rather than there being any air of irony or satire to accept it. Amidst awful dialogue consisting of conversations regarding piracy, hackers and internet trolls, the evoking of swear words and sexual references make The Emoji Movie one of the most misjudged U certificate films I have ever seen, and with enough saccharin sweet awfulness and ear-piercing musical pieces to make you want to throw up in the aisle, animation has never hit levels so desperately low. In the 1990’s growing up, my generation had The Lion King. In 2017, the animation of the summer is The Emoji Movie, a hate-filled barrel of toxic slumber which deserves to be derided by everyone who pays to see it. What prevents it from being one star you ask? It’s only 80 minutes of your life you will never, ever get back.

Overall Score: 2/10