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Black Ribbon’s Worst Films of 2017

Worst Films of 2017

With the year filled to the rafters with some simply sublime cinematic releases, it comes at no surprise that where there is light, darkness swifty follows in the form of the real stinkers of the year, films which have managed to enrage, bore and reduce us to sleep induced comas due to their unavoidable awfulness. Whether it be shoddily made crime thrillers, laughable accented spy adventures or distasteful animations, 2017 has managed to succeed in giving us a varied selection of terrible movies and here is where we countdown the very worst, beginning with…

10. Fist Fight

With a characitured Ice Cube and the joint worst leading performance of the year by Charlie Day as the ear-piercing and undeniably annoying mild mannered teacher who is tasked with battling his fellow colleague in order to well, create some form of narrative, Richie Keen’s misjudged nightmare features a wide range of sickening elements ranging from a paedophilic teacher to flatlined comedic puns which results in Fist Fight up there with the worst American comedies to travel the far seas in years. Ice Cube? Get back in the freezer mate.

9. Unlocked

Featuring the worst performance of the year by a fair few air miles, Michael Apted’s Unlocked utilises the downward spiralling skills of Orlando Bloom as a laughably bad cockney cliche who chases after Noomi Rapace’s CIA interrogator as she finds herself at the centre of some boringly timid government conspiracy. With a cast featuring the usually reliable talents of John Malkovich, Michael Douglas and Toni Collette, Apted’s movie is a ludicrous mix of plot holes and laughable dialogue which comes across as the dead, lost long cousin of the masterful Bourne franchise.

8. Flatliners

The remake to end all shoddy remakes, Niels Arden Oplev’s woeful reimagining of Joel Schumacher’s 1990 science fiction horror is the definitive blueprint of how not to bring a film back to life, and whilst the inclusion of Ellen Page brought a certain element of interest to the table, Flatliners falls into a concluding second half convoluted with messy and immature character arcs, tacked on CGI and poorly managed horror tropes which just seem shoehorned in and wholly undeserved. Dead on arrival, Oplev’s movie is a laughable excuse to bring back a film which even in its’ original film struggled to properly ignite.

7. The Snowman

Let’s be honest, the mercurial presence of Michael Fassbender hasn’t had the best of years, and even though I was one of the few advocates of the somewhat decent Assassin’s Creed, Tomas Alfredson’s unbelievably shoddy live-action adaptation of Jo Nesbø’s Scandinavian chiller is undoubtedly the worst made film of the year, a picture with a catalogue of obvious and unforgivable sins which succeeds in failing to adhere to even the most basic of fundamental filmmaking principles. With Alfredson himself stating the movie was “incomplete” due to a hectic filming schedule, The Snowman highlights a concoction of disasters which when considering the talent involved, is simply atrocious to say the least.

6. Justice League

The true downfall of DC’s live action adaptation of Justice League falls primarily down to a wavering production process and a heightened sense that the wandering franchise was somewhat heading in the right direction after the critical and financial success of Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman, and even with the eye catching inclusions of Batman, The Flash and the first live action appearance of Aquaman, Zack Snyder’s ensemble adventure is absolute tosh. With two dimensional leading characters, awfully constructed CGI and a excruciatingly cliched end of the world narrative, Justice League makes Suicide Squad look a bonafide masterpiece and with the future of the DCEU in undignified jeopardy, Snyder’s move may indeed be the final nail in the coffin.

5. The Bye Bye Man

Horror is the type of genre which is designed to heighten and play with the sense of natural and fundamental animal instincts of fear of the unknown, and whilst The Bye Bye Man does somehow manage to have the cheek to place itself in such a category of cinema, Stacy Title’s truly embarrassing movie is a middle finger to the hoards of horror fans across the globe. With the titular leading villain coming off as threatening as a stereotypical enemy from an episode of Scooby-Doo and a strange ensemble cast featuring the likes of Carrie-Anne Moss and yes, Faye Dunaway, The Bye Bye Man is the type of straight to DVD garbage that deserves to rot way in the bargain bin.

4. Table 19

Let’s be honest here, why is Anna Kendrick still employed when films such as Jeffrey Blitz’s Table 19 highlight just what an awfully misjudged actress she truly is. Harsh somewhat? Negative, and when considering the cringe-laden nonsense of Blitz’s painfully bad romantic comedy, a film which is ironically neither romantic or comedic, the time has surely come to end the suffering of audiences across the globe and simply blacklist anyone involved in such a staggeringly poor cinematic experience which has only resulted in the continuation of nightmares which suggest this is indeed the way cinema may be heading. HELP!

3. CHiPs

A live action remake nobody wanted of a television show no one has ever heard of unsurprisingly results in shoddiness galore and even manages to make Bad Boys look like The Godfather. With director and leading fallen star Dax Shephard handing over all the reasons to give credence to the notion of him undeniably being the most unqualified man in Hollywood to helm such a production, CHiPs suffers from a tragically dull and cliched narrative, laddish sexist humour and jokes about the disabled which made me want to launch my coffee at the cinema screen, and even with a blink and you miss it appearance from Vincent D’Onofrio, Shephard’s movie at least identifies the American as cinematic influenza.

2. The Emoji Movie

Whilst Inside Out, Zootropolis and Song of the Sea demonstrate contemporary animation cinema at its’ very finest, the abysmal abomination which is The Emoji Movie presents the medium at its exploitative worst, utilising the child friendly nature of the genre to convey a narrative which approaches truly jaw-dropping elements of self-promotion garbage which encourages the younger generation to entirely depend on their mobile devices in order to be the coolest kid in town. With plot threads which delve into piracy and internet trolls, The Emoji Movie is one of the most retrograde misjudged releases in history made all the worse by the universal state in which it is projected. You know what they say, you can’t polish a turd.

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

And here we are at last, the indisputable champion of all things woeful, Michael Bay’s staggeringly boring and unbelievably exhausting marathon of a movie sets a new standard for box office disasters, and even with the added input of a dollar ringed Sir Anthony Hopkins, The Last Knight singlehandedly creates a brand new genre of cinematic ventures; elongated torture. With a runtime which transcends the realm of human nature as we know it, sloppy, disgraceful editing and the utilisation of Laura Haddock as simply distasteful cannon fodder for the perverse prying eyes of Bay’s obsession with the objectification of the female body, The Last Knight sets the bar of the already much maligned Transformers series to new unexplored depths, resulting in the latest addition to the franchise being the categorical favourite for worst release throughout the course of 2017. Congratulations.

Next Time… Looking Forward to 2018 in Film!

Film Review: Transformers: The Last Knight

“The Imminent Destruction Of All We Know And Love, Begins Now…”

Whilst overly long blockbuster movies are indeed not exactly anything original, it does take the patience of a saint to be able to sit through and enjoy most of Michael Bay’s most recent cinematic exploits, and whilst The Rock and Bad Boys prove that sometimes Bay does manage to create something which although is undeniably stupid, is too a whole bunch of fun, his annoyingly pompous stamp on the Transformers series proves without a doubt that fame and fortune is the only thing on the mind of its’ creators, particularly when the series just doesn’t seem to be slowing down in terms of worldwide and domestic gross. Clocking in at a staggering 149 minutes however, a runtime which is actually generously measured when put up against previous Transformers entries, The Last Knight is stated by both Bay and leading star Mark Wahlberg to be the final entry into the CGI-fuelled, overlong, action franchise and with that in mind, there is a sense of joy heading into the cinema knowing that this may indeed be the last time to witness Bay’s live action interpretation of Hasbro’s famous plastic toy range. Unfortunately, yet rather inevitably, The Last Knight is not exactly a movie which can classed as anything remotely joyful, with Bay successfully managing to create the most insipid, boring and woeful excuse for a blockbuster in years. Wait a second while I just clear my tinnitus.

Although narrative and plot are never usually at the forefront of most Transformers movies, The Last Knight actually revels in the fact that there simply isn’t a story to be told. Whilst something about King Arthur, Merlin and some ancient, historic sword attempts to linchpin the movie together, Bay’s latest makes Batman v. Superman look like a picture-book example of coherent A to B storytelling, with the movie too often more interested in endless explosions and placid CGI to really offer anything for the audience to really sink their emotional teeth into. Aside from a woeful narrative, epileptic editing and a cash-hungry supporting cast including the likes of Sir Anthony Hopkins, The Last Knight suffers from two inexcusable elements which simply make the film a painful exercise of patience. Firstly, the length. Not many films earn the right to be 150 minutes plus and whilst The Last Knight may be one of the shorter Transformers offerings, my sweet lord do you feel every single second of its’ sheer awfulness, with each passing minute ripping your soul apart as you slowly lose hope in the future of cinema as we know it. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, the 12A rating slapped onto the movie encourages kids to go and see it, albeit with their parents, and whilst the action and spectacle may keep many wildly entertained, the constant use of unnecessary expletives and ripe sexual references make this supposed “kids” movie a poison chalice of misjudgement, and a movie which although may succeed in taking shed loads of money, will surely not satisfy even the most hardcore of Transformers fans. An explosive mess of a movie, The Last Knight is worthy of complete avoidance. Don’t take the risk.

Overall Score: 2/10